Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Hi Mitt

So, Mitt Romney called me yesterday.

I was sitting around and my landline rang. Despite the fact that I am on the national “Do Not Call” list I have begun getting a bunch of sales calls lately. The new workaround is where a business gives a small donation to a charity, and then calls on behalf of the charity to sell their product. I’m often not nice to these people.

I may have been a bit gruff when I picked the phone off the receiver and said “Hello”.

It took Mitt a second or so to respond. I should have been nicer. When he regained his composure he said: “Hello this is Mitt Romney”.

I wasn’t expecting a phone-call from Mitt. I think if someone calls you at home you should be able to call them by their first name, even if you have never met in the flesh.

Hi Mitt” I replied “You can call me AhhhOooAaahh. It is pronounced like a foghorn, but it stands for Adult Onset Atheist. I’m sure that you are calling to find out how you can reach out to voters of reason. You did kinda leave us feeling unloved with your “No freedom without religion” speech

But before I got all that out he cut in with his message. Though it was a bit rude I somewhat admire people of steadfast purpose.

We need strong leadership in Congress to help fix the economy” Said Mitt.

Perhaps” I replied “But a fair progressive tax structure will do a whole lot more than pontificating on ephemeral subjective descriptors."

Again he cuts me off. The line between singleness of purpose and rudeness is neither fine nor faint, and he was putting one foot solidly on the rude side.

Sen. Orrin Hatch will lead the powerful Finance Committee, which will be critical to lowering taxes, balancing the budget and repealing the federal government takeover of health care.” said Mitt.

Look Mitt” I replied, my voice taking on a hint of annoyance “Part of an adult conversation is listening. Besides, I don’t want the health-care reforms repealed. Who are you to talk anyway? You recently swept up the Massachusetts primary surfing the wave of support generated by popular support for the health-care reform you put in while you were governor of that state, and that reform was essentially the same as the federal one you want repealed. It is like you are just spouting empty phrases.

Again he cut in.

On March 15, please attend your caucuses and keep Orrin Hatch fighting for Utah” said Mitt.

The Utah Caucus-Primary system is designed to provide an open vetting process before the secret-ballot primary. This is to prevent people from choosing candidates based solely on what they think want when there are people who know better. Recently Utah’s other uber- conservative senator (Bennet) was essentially removed from office during the caucus process. A candidate that comes in third in the caucus does not make it to the ballot. The Tea-Party flexed their muscles in Utah two years ago, and blocked Bennet from making it onto the primary ballot. The fear is that Orin Hatch will be next to feel the focused voting wrath of Utah’s Tea Party Patriots.

I’m not a fan of Orin Hatch. Unfortunately when rabid voting blocks succeed in an election politicians fall over each other proclaiming themselves least sane; all in hopes of securing the deranged vote.

Utah already has a de-facto religious test for office. I do not think it will do anyone much good to begin rejecting candidates simply because they are not at least as nutty as squirrel poo.

On the other hand nuclear stupidity might leave the few survivors sifting through the dystopian remnants of their former world in search of the very humanist ideals they had previously rejected. Since I like the word picture this actually seems like the more attractive of the two options.

Needless to say I am not voting in the caucus. That and the fact that I cannot.

Sorry Mitt” I replied with finality in my voice. “And next time you call be prepared for some human interaction. Without listening you come across like a machine

And I hung up.

Maybe he would have lightened up a little if I cracked a joke or asked him what he was wearing.

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