Monday, April 14, 2014

Watership Down is for Real

On Wednesday the long anticipated film adaptation of the long-running #1 bestseller “Heaven Is For Real” will hit the big screen. It is the story of a preacher’s son who has a near death experience (NDE) in which he goes to Heaven, and meets all sorts of nice people with wings.

Tickets are available now

The NDE is often accepted as a means for divine communication. The death part of the NDE helps to distinguish the words of one’s deity from other types of psychosis. One might understand why it is important to know which disembodied voice in one’s head is coming from whom. The NDE is characterized by trauma, blood loss to the brain, and often heavy medication; clues which apparently help to prove that the voice is that of some god.

On March 5th 2003 Colton Burpo underwent surgery for a burst appendix; he is said to have been saved from death by Jesus himself, with a little help of modern medicine. Also on March 5th 2003 a car bomb went off at the Davao City airport in the Philippines and 19 people were not saved from dying by Jesus or anyone else. Also on March 5th 2003 a car bomb exploded in Cúcuta Columbia where 7 people were not saved by Jesus. Also on March 5th 2003 a bomb exploded in Haifa Israel, close to Jesus’s hometown, and 10 people were not saved.

On March 13th 2003 poor Colton underwent another surgery. Abscesses were drained. At 7:45PM local time a bomb went off in the first-class ladies compartment of a Mumbai Suburban Railway train pulling into Mulund station. Another 10 people were not saved by Jesus.

Colton’s descriptions of heaven, Jesus, and the nice winged people he met inspired his father Todd to work with Lynn Vincent to write a book. Lynn Vincent is famous for co-writing Sarah Palin’s first book: “Going Rouge”.

The Wednesday before Easter Sunday is an auspicious day for opening a movie about resurrection. Called “Holy Wednesday”, it is thought by many fundamentalists to be the actual day of Jesus’s crucifixion.

The Wednesday crucifixion argument relies on a Sunday resurrection, and Mathew 12:40. The passage from Mathew states that Jesus was in the ground for three days and nights, and the only way to do that is schedule a crucifixion for a Wednesday.

“For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.” – Mathew 12:40 (KJB)

Easter itself is scheduled each year for the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox (The paschal moon ). The rules for determining when Easter is are so divinely inspired that the calculation has its own branch of study called “Computus”; a name from which many important modern fields of study can be linked.

Whenever Jesus was resurrected the entire Christian world knows that he was crucified either the Friday (Good Friday) or Wednesday (Holy Wednesday) before Easter Sunday. Many Christians will celebrate the torture and mutilation of their Lord and Savior by filling baskets with cellophane grass and suggesting that a magic rabbit lays chocolate eggs for good little boys and girls.

I’ve always liked the part about the rabbit.


kzin99 said...

what kind of crazy surgery required the fluids of Abbesses? :D

adult onset atheist said...

Oops. Typo. Should have been abscesses. I don't think they were draining nuns.

Skyline Spirit said...

pretty nice blog, following :)