Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Five thousand one hundred and twenty four years ago today, on August 11th 3114 BCE (Gregorian), absolutely everything began. This is the date given according to the Mayan “long count” calendar. Yes, this is the same calendar that many believe predicts the end of everything on the 20th of December 2012.

Interestingly enough the 2012 end date is not the first end of the world that the calendar was used to describe. Apparently the gods Tepeu and Kukulk├ín tied to make man a few times, but had ingredient issues. First they tried mud, which crumbled. Next they asked for some help from other gods and together they decided to make man out of wood. They did not get the results they wanted; an event I am surprised is not re-created as a morality play about the dangers of designing things by committee. Eventually T&K hit upon the idea of making mankind out of corn. So here we are, and everyone (including the great corporation of Monsanto I’m sure) is pleased.

The next time you say that something is “corny” think about whether you really mean that it speaks to the underlying formulation of humanity.

The 5,000 year timespan between the creation and 2012 is called a “b'ak'tun”. As the creators of the prophetic calendar do not exist anymore there is not a reliable pronunciation guide for this word. I think it should be pronounced: “Buh-Hack-Uh-Tun”. We are in the thirteenth Buhackuhtun.

This means that we have should have ample evidence of previous attempts at creation. Yay!

Now if we do not have this evidence we should not be too worried about the validity of the predictions for the end of the world. According to some people the Mayans got everything wrong except the date for the end of the world. The real gods were not those flying feathered serpent things; no, they were something more like bearded-sky-fellow. The real end of the world will not be the result of stale cornbread syndrome; instead we have not been good enough to our omnipotent god so he’s going to take his ball and go home.

Strangely enough the Mayans thought the not being nice enough to the god(s) was why the wood people did not work out. There are so many similarities that the Mayan stories must be true…only different.

One popular reason why we cannot find the evidence of creation(s) (and my absolute favorite reason) is that the god(s) is messing with our heads. Physical evidence is just so fabricated anyway. We are supposed to listen to those voices in our, or someone else’s, head. We should listen to talking plants or animals (sometimes…there is that whole snake thing I will not be getting into right now). We should look for great psychedelic visitations that would be obviously hallucinogenic if they were not true.

Matter and the physical laws are all a ruse. Our senses betray us by design. We must be transported orthogonally to the notions of space and time to a place where the most banal of messages communicates the actual truth of everything. Our bodies are vessels that reign in energy that only our thought patterns control. Everything exists in an undifferentiated state that we are fooled into a belief in.

Ok…OK…I know. If you throw too much of reality under the bus it is obvious that creation never even happened. Some stuff must be real or nothing was created. However much the “nothing is real” world might be an engaging idea it remains a trivial solution to the problem of creation. How do we know what is real and what is a cosmic joke? Wellll…we have people who tell us what is real. In fact the clues to reality are even written down in some cases. There may be a few inconsistencies between the accounts, but the vast number of accounts could be viewed as some level of proof that one of them is correct.

What of the next Buhackuhtun? What will the god(s) do for the next iteration of man? There is good reason to believe that the gods will find favor in creating everyone in my image. You might not find me attractive, but you are not a god; are you?

In fact, now that I have written it here, I can accurately state: “So It Is Written”.

Perhaps, and I am using my vast knowledge of biology here, if enough women became pregnant using my sperm, the gods would see that all of mankind was beginning to look like me without necessitating the end of the world. If you are a young woman of childbearing age you only have until March of 2012 to try and help save human civilization.

Some of you might not believe in my vision for the next Buhackuhtun. You may believe, instead, that the god(s) will use titanium instead of corn to make the next iteration of man. This next-man might look like the 2012 Olympic mascot named “Wenlock”.  The god(s) might call him "Wenlock-Man".

Of course such heresy may “darn you to heck for some time”. You can, however, hedge your bets. You don’t need to worry if you follow my simple plan. If you send me money I will spend it on anything I can think of that will prevent the world from ending on December 20th 2012. If I get enough donated funds I will devote my life to the twin tasks of preventing the end of the world in 2012 and not paying tax on the donations.

I am afraid for the future. I am afraid that too many people will keep both their wallets and knees so tightly closed against me that there will be no hope for realizing my elegant plan to save everything. Imagine the terrible future when an epidemic of apocalyptic conjunctivitis wipes out Wenlock-man.

I will continue to look into the progress we are making towards “end of Buhackuhtun day”. Creation only happens about once every five thousand years, so mark your calendars!

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