Friday, October 5, 2012

Viva Las Conferencias

This weekend is general conference weekend for the Mormon (LDS) Church. All the Prophets and Apostles get up in front of TV cameras and transmit the direct word of God to the lesser-endowed Mormons around the world.

By some estimates over a hundred thousand “devout” Mormons will be speeding down to Las Vegas to do the things that infamously “happen in Vegas and stay in Vegas”. The Bishopric will be busy arraigning the satellite feed, and freed from their watchful gaze the tempted will stray.

I would like to paint a picture of Caesar’s Palace overrun with true Roman excess; magic underwear worn in place of togas. Unfortunately, the realities of most LDS debauchery are not sordid enough to excite much interest.

According to estimates published in the Deseret News (The LDS Church paper) a hundred thousand of the faithful will flock to Salkt Lake City to attend the biannual general conference. The official LDS Church website has a little video up telling people how awesome the conference is.

Apparently if you want to hear what is going on with god you go to the conference. At the conference you’ve got apostles and prophets, but not necessarily in that order. Various people appear throughout the video “testifying” in an assortment of languages about how awesome the conference will be.

All the messages they tell us in the conference are exactly what we need to hear.” - Random woman with spacey look.

Unfortunately God apparently wants you to hear old white men drone on almost incomprehensibly about trivial things couched in vaulted language. God does not want to get into specifics about global warming, overpopulation, the Higgs Boson, or just about anything that someone going to the conference has not known for years.

The Mormons have all sorts of secret rituals. Perhaps they save the good stuff for what happens behind closed doors?

Here is a little video someone took of a secret endowment ceremony. It is long and tedious to watch. I fast-forwarded through much of it. It is obvious that the general conference is actually their most exciting stuff.

Perhaps I should head down to Vegas, and try to catch a glimpse of some Utah-Mormon Soccer Mom sipping a white Russian while furiously yanking a slot machine.

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